My only accomplishment I think I've ever achieved is graduating high school. Even then, it was a hollow victory.
School has always been hard for me. Not because I was retarded or anything, but because I had ADHD that made it hard to focus. Eventually I got medicated for that, but the meds didn't always work. Sometimes there were adverse effects to them. Tired, appetite changes, sleep problems.
When I was preteen I started to develop anxiety that only got worse. I randomly developed it, and I don't even know why. Before then I was very social. I was a class clown and didn't have many friends because I was annoying as shit but it didn't bother me at all. But when I developed anxiety I quit all that stuff. I just remember thinking about how I didn't want to be like that anymore and wanted to be more serious and less annoying. Fair enough, but why that turned into anxiety I have no idea. Anxiety and ADHD can occur together, and medications often used to help ADHD can cause anxiety as well. Examples of ADHD medication that may cause this are Ritalin and Adderall, and I remember taking those two (I've been on probably hundreds of medication for anxiety, depression, and ADHD… I've probably had it all). This would explain the random yet arbitrary development of my anxiety.
As well as anxiety I also developed depression soon after, which can also be caused by ADHD medications. Fun. Again, I don't know if the medication actually caused any of this, since I was kind of bullied a few times (nothing horrible but I was very sensitive), so maybe that was why. I also didn't have the best home life but it was largely my fault for that. Also, ADHD can directly cause depression. Something to do with dopamine absorption or lack of. Something like that, anyway.
In any case, I don't know. The medications didn't ever seem to help. Something traumatic happened to me in late 2019 (when I was 15) that made me forget most of my life, so maybe some of it did help and I just don't remember. I asked my mom and she said sometimes they did help, but since your body gets used to meds if you take them enough, I'd eventually build an immunity to them. I don't remember not being suicidal, and I don't know what actually caused it. Again, it seemed arbitrary. I remember also not knowing why I was suicidal back then either (ages 11-current). I mean life sucks but to go to the extreme to end it was disproportionate. I was never like that. I was a bright, happy, sweet little kid. Something changed in me and I miss that. I became colder, hateful. I became depressed. Hormones maybe? Still. I'm 19 now, long after puberty, and still am like that.
When I was 15 I finally got tired of all the medications and therapy. None of it was working. I stopped going. I stopped going either slightly before or slightly after that traumatic event happened. I don't think the meds would have mattered, but I got worse after that. Much more isolated. Developed an eating disorder for some sense of control and because I hated how I looked. Now my BMI is 17.2 and I'm malnourished. I became (more) socially withdrawn and paranoid. I have violent thoughts, although I'd never act on them… they're tempting. I'm a mess. All I do all day is occasionally go outside and walk around a block or two and mumble to myself. If not that, browsing memes or playing games.
Anyway, here's the point of making this post - my only accomplishment. All my life I was never good enough. Again, not because I was retarded because I was an autist and sometimes didn't act "normal." Like, I do something most people couldn't do, like spell a difficult word or recite pi to the 100th digit, but because I stutter or say it too slowly it didn't count. Or perhaps I didn't talk enough because of my crippling anxiety. I didn't try hard enough because I didn't even want to get out of bed anymore. I tried so hard to just make everyone happy. But I ever needed help people just ignored me assuming I'd get over it pr maybe just assuming I was lying.
Why it was a hollow victory was because… well. I've never had any direction in life. I had no goals or anything like that… or maybe I kind of do but it would too much work to accomplish them because school has drained me from any ounce of motivation I may have once had. I hated school more than anyone else. Like, I'd cry (...as an 18 year old lmao) because I had to go. Well because of the stress of going. It was sensory overload. But… it really was the only thing I had in life. I lost everything in late 2019, but school (minus quarantine) was the one thing that was the same. It gave me a sense of purpose getting good grades and occasionally getting compliments (nothing big but still it was nice). It was the only time I left the house since I had such bad anxiety and stuff. I took SPED classes because of my anxiety and lack of motivation and since they typically just taught nothing or shit I learnt in 5th grade I didn't really feel like I was learning anything. I hate school, but I love learning. I'm always learning. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't learn something. The day you stop learning, you start dying. Nerdiness aside, yeah. I cheated on online classes because I had so many to do and it was stressful. If you were in my situation you would have done the same I'm sure. It was boring, it was like 30-60 pages you had to read for 5 questions. And it was SO BORING. So yeah. But it still feels like a fake accomplishment. I see why I did it that way but I still cheated the system I feel like. I took the easy way out.
It was also the only time I was around people. You see a lot of fuckers on the DW who are deranged as shit and while that isn't like me you realise they're like that because they spend too much time looking at a screen and losing touch with the real world. This is exactly what I do now and I fear I too will lose touch with reality. I watch a lot of documentaries of fucked up people and a lot of them watch a lot of anime, play video games, and just stare at their laptop all day. Of course, just because you do these things as hobbies doesn't mean you'll become like that but I think when it becomes your ENTIRE life you lose touch with reality. Since I have no friends or direction I feel like this could become me. I don't want that.
So that's why it was a hollow victory I think. My life is just boring and uneventful so I just stay online all day and isolate myself from the world. Also, I feel no sense of accomplishment because it was done by cheats and loopholes. And while graduation symbolises the start of a new beginning, to me it symbolises the end.
Today is the first day back to school for my high school and I graduated June 2023. It felt customary to make this post for that reason. I'm glad I don't have to go there anymore but I'm sad I'm mentally ill and now can't live my life happily when I have all the time in the world to do that.