Hello. This is my first post here so forgive me if I give off newfag vibes. Some basic information about me is that I am 19 years old and very mentally ill.
I'm sure someday I'll go into depth about some of this if anyone really cares but every since I was 11 I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. In general never really fitting in. Didn't really have friends. I've been in a mental hospital 3 times already - ages 13, 14, and 15. All against my will and didn't help me. In fact nothing really helped me. Meds, therapy, the like. But I'm tired of being like this. I think something is terribly wrong with me now.
Well, my depression and anxiety has gotten worse. I have an eating disorder, experience paranoia (I think random people in the street will murder, rape, or kidnap me), and I have very bad emotional regularity. One minute I'm angry. Next I'm crying. There are other things wrong with me but I wish to not speak of them. Thing is, I think someone who really was crazy wouldn't be so aware of it, so I know I'm not entirely gone mentally. Still, I realise I'm losing my sanity.
I could give you a sob story where I paint myself as the victim and make you feel bad and understand why I'm so fucked up. But honestly, that does no good here. Personally I think I'm a monster who deserved it all. I want to get better for my SO and mother, really. They're the only people I have any bond with and I hate being an emotional drain on them. I have no other friends. My family is estranged. I have no dreams or aspirations, and honestly I don't see a point in living. But if I kill myself I hurt the two people I do care about.
So that's why I want to admit myself there. I hated that place when I was younger, but can I say I got better on my own? No. I made it worse. But I'm conflicted for obvious reasons. If I do decide to go I'll go in a month or two, but I'm still thinking about it.
Ultimately, I know I belong in one. Probably for the rest of my life. I think I'll end up going, and I'll keep that posted although I know nobody cares. Sorry if I'm vague here, I'll go into more detail probably but I just wanted this post to be more about "should I admit myself to one?" and not "so this is everything that happened in my life that caused this entire situation go to shit" - because I could definitely do the latter, but it would be quite long. Well, until next time, bye. Clover 🍀